The Rainbow Roller Coaster

The emotions that come along with a rainbow pregnancy are intense. For me, I've had some severe highs and lows. When I first found out we were pregnant, I was of course over the moon excited! Full of hope and anticipation.. That was quickly overshadowed by the depression of thinking of another little girl growing inside me. How could I keep all things for Lily special if I was about to do so many of those exact things with this new baby. I realized I needed to make sure she was honored and remembered no matter how amazing this new pregnancy is.

Photo by Deed DeBruno

Once we found out we were having a boy, a lot of the depression went away. I was really excited to be having a boy! I felt like it would be much easier to be excited about him while keeping Lily as my most special girl. I know nothing could ever replace Lily or the way I feel about her but having a little girl would have been too much too soon I think. We both agree that if we have a little girl later, then enough time will have passed to make it easier then.

Once I dealt with all of those emotions, I was overcome with morning sickness that was more like all day sickness. I went into survival mode which kept my mind busy for a while. Once the Morning sickness started to calm down I started feeling so excited about being pregnant and enjoying the process. I was feeling blissful!

Soon after that, I started to worry more and more about the possible things that might happen during the next months. Now that I know how real the possibility of something going wrong is, its easy to let my mind become filled with possible scenarios. I try to make myself focus on positive thoughts and positive outcomes, but there is always that gloom in the background. The what ifs.. Luckily Lily and I were both perfectly healthy up until the moment my water broke. I shouldn't be worrying about development issues or health issues but I cant help but worry about every possible thing. I think about Lily and how perfect she looked. How could I grow something so perfect? How easily could all that change? I know when these thoughts come in I need to shift to positive thoughts. It's so hard when I can still remember the pain of something going wrong.. The pain of losing her..

I feel so blessed to be pregnant with this precious baby boy. I feel guilty for having any emotions other than complete bliss. I think about the tragedy that we have survived but still I know it could be worse. Some people can't even get pregnant. We are so lucky in how easy it's been for us to get pregnant both times. I feel selfish when I feel any emotions other that pure gratitude.

Part of me keeps wanting to just fast forward to holding him in my arms. I have to stop myself and remember to enjoy every moment of where I am now. I've been trying to be as present as possible. I remind myself that I won't be pregnant for long and that our life is about to change forever so to try to enjoy it.

I don't think I will be able to completely relax. To completely breathe easy until that moment that he is safely in my arms. That's ok. This is my new normal for the next four months. Probably for the rest of my life..

I am so grateful to everyone who has made me feel less alone. To those who have shared their losses with me. To those who have cried with me, or just been there in any way. I've been truly blown away with the support we've found.

Grief is a crazy road. Some people you expect to be there, won't be. Others will completely surprise you and show you so much support and love! It's crazy how every so often things happen in our lives that shake it up so much, that what and who isn't meant for you anymore falls away and a new wave of what you need flows in. This has been one of the hardest parts for me but I've learn to embrace those that embrace me. ..And to still love the ones that don't but love myself enough to keep going.

"What’s meant for you will not pass you by." – Unknown

This is a quote that I always loved, I hated it after I lost Lily, and now have learned to love it again.

I'm sure the last few weeks of pregnancy will be crazy. I can't even imagine how emotional and scared we're gonna be. I already feel so good about this pregnancy but I still have this little fear of getting my hopes up. I've just been trying to focus on everything I need to get done before he comes. I'm hoping that I'll have a handle on things enough to stay calm during those last weeks. He's been kicking so much lately! That's been helping me stay positive. It's like every time I feel him kick, I can breathe easy for a second.

To anyone else who has experience this journey, please let me know if you've felt similar feelings and how you dealt or what made things easier for you? Thanks to everyone for your love and support. Sharing this stuff with you all is a bit like baring my soul. Most of you that know me personally, know that I've always kept a lot of my feelings, emotions and personal life private up until losing Lily. My Virgo Sun/ Scorpio Moon self likes to stay mysterious haha! Ever since I was a little girl, I've used silence as a form of protection. You've all really made me feel safe to share so thank you again!

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