I've been trying to heal in the most healthy way possible since losing my daughter. I try to focus on the positive side of things a lot. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days.. I do. It's ok to have bad days. Sad days. Days when it's all too much. It happens.. It might seem like these days are set backs on your journey to healing.. they are NOT. The road to healing isn't a straight line. Crying, acknowledging your pain and letting it flow through you are very necessary parts of the healing process. If you repress these expressions of grief, they will come back up even stronger later.
(I took this in New Orleans in Saint Roch Cemetery when I was pregnant)
Yesterday I was more heavy hearted than usual. My beautiful daughter would have been Five months old. I've been getting back into the swing of things with work and life. My schedule has been pretty hectic lately. I hadn't had much time to meditate. I had been feeling myself getting more and more anxiety lately. A few days ago I felt I had finally hit my limit. I felt totally drained. When I finally let myself slow down, I was overcome with sadness. I took the morning to honor my daughter and center myself. I spent a little longer than I normally do staring at her photos.. Zooming in.. studying the little details of her. I thought about what we would be doing today if she were here. She would be sitting up by now. Smiling, laughing, making little cute noises.. I think about all the family outings we would be going on. All the exploring and learning she would be doing. The extreme waves of grief rush in. I spent most of the morning in tears. I feel guilty for over indulging somehow in the beauty that is or would have been my daughter.
Photo by Leslie Sullivan
It always helps to remind myself that her soul is still with me. Her body was just an extremely precious container that she chose to spend those nine months with me in. Death is just a transition. That usually helps but sometimes I just wanna kiss and cuddle her so badly. These sad days make me feel weak. I know in my heart it isn't weak. It takes a lot of strength to open up, be vulnerable and let the pain out.
I told my friend Hanna how I was feeling like I was going backwards in my grief because I was feeling levels of sadness I thought I had over come. She reminded me that sometimes the way to heal is to go through it. To let it flow through you, honor it and let it go.
I decided to perform a little grief ritual. I decided to do a herbal bath. I lit a few white candles, added stones (I used apache tears, a grief stone, and clear quartz, an amplifier) added herbs (I used Comfrey, red raspberry leaf, calendula flower, yarrow and lavender) I meditated for a while in the bath. I cried and talked to her. Then I washed my tears and that grief down the drain. As I drained the water, I said out loud, "I let go of these tears, I let go of this pain." You don't have to say anything.. You can just think it. Whatever is comfortable to you. There are no real rules. Follow your heart and intuition. Do what feels right to you. I felt drained from all the crying I had done that day but I felt cleansed. Lighter. Calmer. Happier. Back to feeling hopeful for the future
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