A year without Lily

It's been a little over a month since what would have been Lily's first birthday.

I had originally planned on writing this blog post the morning of her day, so I could express exactly how I was feeling at the time but I needed to unplug and fully embrace the experience. It was a hard milestone for me, but I'm finally ready to share a little bit about it.

The day started out with heavy thoughts of what I would be doing if she was here.. Frantically running around trying to make her first birthday perfect. I spent time thinking about what a big girl she would be, trying to walk and talk. The main source of my pain is when I focus on all the things we didn't get to do with her. I have also noticed that if I stare at her photos too long the pain of not having her near me in the physical hurts a lot more so I try to limit my time doing that. We have an alter with her photos and our other loved ones on the other side in our living room. I see her everyday but I try not to focus on her precious little body and how ill never be able to kiss her again. I feel her so close still in spirit so I try to focus on that.

The entire day was heavy and hard to swallow. I spend most of the day anticipating midnight. When my water broke. When that time came, I remember thinking about the chaos we experienced a year before. During the 6 hours I was in labor with her, I kept thinking about how hard what we went through was. Giving birth to her knowing she was gone was so hard. Thankfully I was already in full on labor when I found out, so I had to just trust my body to do what we needed to do.

Once 6:08am came around my feelings changed. That was when I got to hold her. We spent about 8 hours with her. I held her and we snuggled as a family. We kissed her, cleaned her up, got her dressed and snuggled her as long as we could. During this time I started catching myself wishing I was back there. A year ago, holding my precious angel. It was such a precious short time that I will cherish forever. After a while of feeling like I wanted to rewind the last year of my life. I started remembering the time after.. the days after..

The days after losing Lily were the hardest days of my life. I still cry over her but those days were so heavy with grief. Paralyzing. I remember waking up and as soon as the reality would set in the tears would start. There was no escaping it. It was all consuming. I started feeling thankful to have this year behind me. I have grown so much in this past year. She taught me so much. She made me a mama. Whether I got to do all the mama stuff or not, she changed how I feel about myself forever.

Now here I sit, 8 months pregnant with her little brother. We're so thankful for him and all her help watching over us during this pregnancy. I'm so excited to meet him and see his sister in him. We will celebrate her all the time. He will definitely know all about his amazing big sister. We plan on going somewhere every year for her birthday. This year we went to Prescott, Arizona. I'll be posting a blog about that trip soon. We have several things planned through out the year to celebrate her. We will have her photos up and talk about her always. She's forever our first born. The sweetest angel that made us parents.

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